I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

♪ ♫ Lewis Capaldi - Someone you loved ♫ ♪

P.S. Fashion blazer  //  BÉBÉ by Dunja oversized white shirt  //  Cocopat baguette bag "Sara"  //  H&M sunglasses (find them here)  //  Cosmic Chains jewellery  //  Women'secret tights  //  Zara chunky loafers (find them here)

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Dugo se nismo videli na blogu, je l' da? Mnogo toga se desilo u poslednja dva meseca, a ono što je posebno uzdrmalo društvo bile su dve masovne pucnjave koje su se dogodile dan za danom - jedna se desila u osnovnoj školi, a druga u naselju na obodima Beograda. Devetnaestoro je ubijeno (većinom dece i mladih), i još mnogo njih je ranjeno. Nepotrebno je reći da je čitava naša zemlja gorela od tuge i besa, i ti događaji su bili okidač za početak nenasilnih protesta koji se odvijaju poslednjih sedam nedelja. Iako sam i sama dugo osećala tugu i bes, ne samo zbog toga što su se te tragedije uopšte i dogodile, već i zato što su svi postupci nadležnih i medija koji su za tim usledili bili potpuno pogrešni, moram priznati da sam u jeku svega toga osetila i nadu da se nešto može promeniti na bolje, pre svega jer su dobri ljudi moje zemlje pokazali zajedništvo, solidarnost i empatiju koji vraćaju veru u čovečanstvo.

Kad već pričamo o jedinstvu i empatiji koji vraćaju veru u ljude, ovaj post sam nazvala po pesmi škotskog kantautora Lewisa Capaldija koju sam tek danas čula (na moju sramotu), i to na snimku s njegovog nastupa na ovogodišnjem Glastonberi festivalu. Njemu je nedavno dijagnostikovan Turetov sindrom (poremećaj nervnog sistema koji uzrokuje nevoljne radnje, odnosno tikove) i on ga je ometao u nastupu, a publika na festivalu je uglas pevala celu pesmu da ga podseti da je voljen, prihvaćen i da nije sam. To me je dirnulo do te mere da sam dušu isplakala, jer je bilo tako lepo videti jedan upečatljiv primer kako ne morate biti savršeni da biste bili prihvaćeni i voljeni.

A kad već govorimo o nesavršenostima i prihvatanju, već dugo imam jednu veliku nesigurnost koja često uzdrmava sliku koju imam o sebi - ne dopadaju mi se moj stomak i noge. Postala sam veoma samosvesna po tom pitanju i zatičem sebe kako nekoliko puta u toku dana posmatram noge drugih devojaka i žena na društvenim mrežama, ili svoje na slikama iz prethodnih godina, i to me je dovelo do tačke da se ne osećam u svom telu dobro kao ranije. Primetila sam da se moje telo u tom smislu najviše promenilo u bivšem radnom okruženju koje je bilo izuzetno toksično i u kome se, na svu sreću, više ne nalazim. Znam da je telesna težina nešto što se može menjati, da je to relativno mala stvar koja se kroz izvesno vreme može promeniti, i što je najvažnije - znam da sam mnogo više od svojih nogu i da me to kako one izgledaju nimalo ne definiše - ali i pored toga svakom od nas se može desiti da se pod uticajem nametnutih standarda lepote oseća manje dobro u svojoj koži. I nije nimalo lako uzimajući u obzir da smo njima bombardovani sa svih strana.

Vidim da je ovo nešto na čemu ću intenzivnije raditi, pre svega na psihoterapiji jer moram napasti problem na samom izvoru da bih ga rešila, i bez obzira na to što je preda mnom naporan put prihvatanja promena kroz koje je moje telo prošlo osećam da sam spremna da se uhvatim u koštac s tim. Želim da konačno počnem da radim na tome da se osećam bolje, ne samo po pitanju svog fizičkog izgleda, već i da mentalno/emotivno budem zadovoljnija sobom i napredujem. Znam da mogu.

I za kraj: ako postoji bilo ko od vas ko se oseća isto ili slično, znajte da niste sami - nesigurnosti imaju i oni za koje nikad ne biste pretpostavili da ih nešto muči, čak i oni koji na prvi pogled deluju savršeno srećno. I ako želite da promenite nešto u vezi sa sobom to je sasvim u redu i navijam za vas, sve dok ta želja za promenom dolazi iz vašeg srca, a ne zato što vas okolina na to prisiljava ubeđujući vas da takvi kakvi jeste ne zaslužujete svoje mesto u svetu. Vi svoje mesto uvek zaslužujete - i u najboljem, i u najgorem izdanju i u svim verzijama između. ♡

Long time no see on the blog, right? A lot of things have happened in the past two months, and what really tug society to the core were two mass shootings that took place in two consecutive days - one was at an elementary school and the other in a small town on the outskirts of Belgrade. Nineteen people were shot and murdered (mostly children and young adults) and many more were seriously wounded. Needless to say that our whole country was burning in sorrow and anger, and those events were the trigger for non-violent protests which have been taking place for the last seven weeks. Although I myself felt the same sorrow and anger for a while, not only for the fact that these two tragedies happened in the first place, but also because everything the authorities and the media have done afterwards was sickeningly wrong, I have to admit that, amidst all of that, I also felt some hope that something might finally change for the better - primarily because the good people of my country have shown unity, solidarity and empathy that restore faith in humanity.

Speaking of unity and empathy that restore faith in humanity, I named this post after a song by the Scottish singer-songwriter named Lewis Capaldi that I first heard today (much to my disgrace), and it was on a video recorded during his performance at this year's Glastonbury Festival. He has recently been diagnosed with Turret syndrome (a nervous system condition that causes involuntary actions such as ticks) and it was making it difficult for him to perform, but the crowd collectively sang along through the whole song to remind him that he was loved, accepted and that he wasn't alone. That touched me so deeply that I cried my heart out, because it was so heartwarming to see a real life example of how you don't need to be perfect in order to be loved and accepted. 

And now that I mentioned imperfections and accepting, for some time I've been struggling with an insecurity that often disturbs the way I see myself - I dislike my belly and legs. I've become very self-conscious because of that and I often catch myself looking at legs of other girls and women on social media photos, or even my own from earlier years, and that has lead me to the point of not feeling as good in my body as before. I noticed that my body changed the most in that sense in my previous work environment which was quite toxic, and which I am, luckily, no longer a part of. I know that body weight is something that varies, and that it's a relatively small thing that can be changed in a period of time, and more importantly - I know that I am so much more than my legs and that the way they look doesn't define me - but still every single one of us can struggle with feeling good in their own skin under the influence of imposed beauty standards. And it's anything but easy knowing that we're being bombarded by them from every direction.

I can see that this is something I'll be working harder on, primarily on psychotherapy sessions because I must attack the problem at the source in order to solve it, and it doesn't matter that there is a long and tough road of accepting the changes my body has gone through ahead of me, I feel like I'm ready to take it on. I want to finally start working on feeling better, not only regarding my physical appearance, but also to be happier with myself mentally/emotionally and make progress. I know I can.

And to sum it up: if there is anyone among you who feels like this or in a somewhat similar way about anything, know that you're not alone - even the people who look perfectly happy and like they couldn't possibly have anything to struggle with have their insecurities. And if you want to change something about yourself, it's completely fine and I'm rooting for you, as long as that desire for change comes from your heart and not because your surroundings are forcing you to it by making you believe that you don't deserve a place in the world by being who you are. You always deserve your own place in the world - at your best, at your worst, and at everything in between. ♡